A couple weeks ago I got an email that has sat in my inbox ever since. It’s not a steamy email or a touching email. It’s not from a friend or family member. It’s from a reader who wanted my advice on how to handle tantrums.
I’m at a loss.
I want to write something helpful. A blog post full of wit and knowledge that will solve anyone’s kids’ tantrums but unfortunately I can’t. I’m too busy dealing with my three year old’s tantrums all day to devote any time to learning how to stop the knock-down, drag outs.
My name is Jennifer and I am the mother of a lunatic. I am the mother of a kid who yells, screeches (which is different from yelling), drops to the floor, insists on specific things and then changes his mind when you give it to him because he didn’t get it in the first place.
I don’t understand the concept of screaming to get what you want. Maybe I should try it so I can relate to the need to break all the ear drums in close proximity all because I want the blue plate. Maybe I should try yelling and throwing myself on the floor and see if it gets me more play time before bedtime.
Since I don’t relate to the need to throw a tantrum and I’m too busy dealing with the problem all day I thought that maybe you could help. You see, it’s not for me. I’m fine, don’t worry. Everything’s under control but this reader friend of mine asked for some help and since I’m so busy I thought that maybe you have some advice to give on the subject.
What worked for you and I promise not to call social services on you. I just want to know. I’m curious. Is it a matter of waiting it all out? Should I drop him off at my mom’s like I have dreamed about doing since he turned 18 months?
You wouldn’t mind, would you Mom?
Of course I don’t mind bring him to me right now. Altho, I don’t think the old rules or practices would be allowed these days, I had a screemer that wouldn’t quit throwing himself on the floor and slamming his head against the floor and literally terrifying everyone around, when it got to that point I must admit, I took a small amount of cold water and poured it over his head or threw it in his face. There, I’ve admitted it, call the police.
If it was just one of those building explosions where I could tell he was going to get to that point I’d take him into his room and talk through his bawling, explaining that I wasn’t interested in his tantrums that he could throw them to his hearts content in his own space but he wasn’t allowed to throw it in our space. Then I’d quietly close the door and only point if he came out crying back to his room. Sometimes this worked. Strangely enough I actually found an ingredient or nutrient called brown rice syrup or cal\mag liquid, and when he recieved 2 doses a day he would be able to for the most part control himself. We actually got good enough to recognize the foods that would send him into a frenzy, red food dyes, milk products, corn, and obviously sugar, when he was strictly observing this diet he was happy almost everyday, when he got older I let him eat what he wanted but, when his temper would boil over I made him own it and not infringe his behavior on us.
okay now you’ve really got me on a roll, one of the most important things to remember is that a tantrum is a childs’ need to find safety or boundaries, to a child they are one and the same, if the boundaries are too loose then fits occur as a remedy to finding control, this is obviously faulty, which is why it continues to result in more fits, and so on.
If he is just controlling the environment by these fits, it’s a relatively simple not easy solution, first and foremost, consistent, consequences by both parents is essential. whatever you choose, if it’s ignoring, removing him to his room, or instant time-out, lose of privilege…whatever you decide together, it has to be the same everytime, if you have ever relinquished ever, you have to start again, it takes exactly 30 days to stop this madness. Unless he has a condition beyond behavior. The trick is getting the older kids in on the process. You can never respond in anger or yelling or spanking, because this is exactly what he is asking for, “control”. Responding in a positive voice everytime he makes a good choice, not over syrupy or overboard just consistent constant positive encouragement the same with all the kids.
Kids respond to stress with tantrums as well. Dad’s new job, mom’s new job, sickness, changes whatever…Apologize and own what is your fault,within moderation and no explanations. then expect him to own his own stuff. Yes, he’s old enough. Spend more time touching, massaging, or tickling him, unless he’s overstimulated, then just holding his hand more often will help. Too much conversation, or explaining things is a recipee for fits, they want it simple, direct and clear.They want and need boundaries it is safety, show them the boundaries and be consistent. But then you already knew all of that, right?
Oh I get it, you just wanted to make me feel like I know something worthwhile. Thanks you got me again.
Thanks for the note Jen, My daughters tantrums are not that bad I just thought you might have some more great advise. I read your blog all the time and feel like I know you through your blog anyway. You make some great common sence points all the time and I love them. I am looking forward to geting the daring girls book for my daughter and hope to complete it. Right now she is two going on ten i think…lol she can be moody and we just take things as they come. She has not thrown her self on the floor yet but we do like to battle…lol I know pick your battles right…try telling that to her..lol Well thanks for trying, I hope all is well
Marie