I’m ashamed to admit it but I’m not thrilled about being pregnant. I thought I would. It was always the plan to have four kids. Chuck and I agreed on that number while we were still enamored newlyweds but we’re not newlyweds anymore. We’re still enamored but we’re old hats in this parenting game and although I love this small being inside me just as much as the children I can touch, I’m not happy about being pregnant. I thought I would be. I was expecting to be thrilled with the news. I was sure that the second I saw the positive line on the pregnancy test that I would be jumping up and down and calling everyone I know.
That didn’t happen.
I told family and my two best friends and that was it and I only did that much because I felt that it was expected of me. I felt like a telephone salesman while I was telling everyone. I was faking enthusiasm because I thought it was expected. I’m starting to wonder why I care about what my brain seems to think is expected.
Truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of being fat again. I didn’t lose all the baby weight from David and although I’m determined to lose the weight this time because it’s my last baby, I’m not convinced. I’m grieving the loss of another year to diaper bags, diaper changing, sleepless nights and the emotional upheaval. It was hard on Chuck and the kids, and me, with all the emotional roller coasters we went through during my post partum depression. I usually love roller coasters but this was painful and I’m scadred because I can feel it already. I can feel the dread, the despair, the loneliness which is what kills me. Why does depression feel so lonely? I can handle all the rest as long as I have my family and my friends but when I feel alone and deserted it’s like not being able to breath but walking around a mall trying not to show all the breathing people that I’m suffocating.
So I admitted it. Everyone keeps telling me of how proud they are and how incredible it is that we’re having another baby like it’s a miraculous achievement but the baby isn’t here yet and I don’t feel confident in the slightest. I feel like apologizing to my unborn child that I am so weak and I pray that as the pregnancy continues that I will grow shoulders that can carry the weight of my emotions, a heart that will grow to envelope this child and strength to give me the ability to smile the next time someone says, “Wow! Four kids that’s amazing” and I will say “You’re right. It is fantastic.”
Congratulations.
It’s almost odd to hear you express yourself, when discussing your depression. Being what I’ve been through with a particular someone. I hope that you are able to pull through this and that you know Chuck, your family, friends and church (and Ben & Jerry) are there for you. We all love you.
You are a mother of three beautiful children. You are strong, you will come out of this with stronger shoulders and a bigger heart (if that’s possible).
Congrats on baby number 4! I know it must be overwhelming in teh abstract — but when it is all real you will continue to manage beautifully. Sam’s dayhome operator has four kids and I love the size and dynamic of their family. Although we are done having kids — I am definitely a little jealous.
Jen – It’s been a couple of years since I’ve had a home computer but now I’ve got one again and had to check in to see what you’re up to. I’ve always been impressed with how you handle all your responsibilities and your joie de vivre while doing so. I feel for you as you experience all the hormonal fluctuations. I’m also confident that you will be well over the long haul. What does your doctor and/or midwife say about your depression? I’m just finishing Brooke Shields book about her pre-natal and post-partum depression – she and her doctor came to a decision to use anti-depressants. I’m just mentioning it; you may be philosophically opposed to the idea. Some are. For myself, I’ve taken them and they made a world of difference – I was able to feel good again and to feel like myself.
Anyway, congratulations on Baby Four (I missed Baby Three while I was computer-less!)
You will survive …
Gail
Hey cousin,
I hope you got my card. I’m glad to read your blogging again, I like seeing what you’re up to. I appreciate your honesty about your pregnancy. I think there are so many of us moms (myself included) who have go through times of fear, doubt and feelings of dread about raising children..particularly babies, It’s dang hard and often times thanksless work. But you know the time will come when it hits you..right there in your home with your children and husband, all is right. And you will have love and happiness in your heart. Congratulations, you’re a great mother. And everything will be alright.
Love
Kim
i agree that a lot of women have these feelings, and just don’t admit it. it’s important to keep things in perspective and remember that you do have family and friends there to help you–on the other hand, no one else has to be the mom and it’s ok to feel overwhelmed. i’ve definitely been feeling some of those feelings this go around–also a surprise, since i’m usually a very happy pregnant lady. this is a little sooner than we planned, so i’m feeling a little caught off gaurd–”wait a minute, i don’t have my shit together yet with these two–how will i handle another one!” and i must admit that i had a completely ridiculous freak-out over my sagging boobs the other day. my husband was complete baffled, as i’m pretty much the least-body-conscious woman he knows. his comments were not the most reassuring given my current state of mind, so i tore the house apart looking for things to throw at him…
unfortunately, we’re both at the stage of pregnancy where you’re tired all the time, but you can’t see anything happening. seeing the belly and feeling the baby kick can help…and, of course, finally holding your baby does wonders for helping you summon your strength. your experiences with your previous pregnancy will also help you when the time comes, even though they’re just making you crazy now.
hang in there–you’re not alone.
hannah
YOU ARE STRONG. You are not weak only realistic. I have a interesting time too. We just realize its not that enchanted stuff we thought as children. Be nice to yourself! Stop cleaning/ arguing / and party. Have a glass of wine/ go to a movie/ breathe/ have sex LOL!!!!!!!!!
You are mourning what you thought/// to accept what is. Imagine the wisdom you are gaining. You are the BOMB!!!!!!!!! Wake up every day and say positive affirmations/ watch positive stuff/ get out in nature/ talk to a counselor/ Keep calm/ keep calm/ keep calm!!!!!!!!!! Never stop giving to yourself. Dont be afraid to not be perfect!!!!!!!! Dont be afraid!!!!!!!