(Courtesy of The Cow Goddess)

I’m starting to think that my computer has boobs on the brain.

We named our first born son, Jason, a family name. My little Jason. With his arms and legs curled into himself and his loose head struggling to find my face. We locked eyes and became entranced in each other. I was no longer in an institutional bed or even in that hospital room. I was alone with my baby, my little Jason. We were alone in our love for one another. I held Jason close and he immediately inhaled the smell of my skin and wrote it in his memory. I turned his belly to press against my own belly and hoped that we would know what to do. I prayed that our instincts would kick in. I prayed that this little person who knew nothing of this world would know how to get the nourishment out of my inexperienced breasts. I took comfort in that moment of peace and strength when our eyes were locked. If we could bond so quickly, surely we could master the art of breastfeeding.

Jason proceeded to nurse for more than an hour and fell fast asleep for the next 15 hours. I worried all night that he was sick. I worried that he wasn’t going to wake up and felt his chest rise and fall to comfort me. I shouldn’t have worried because he hasn’t slept that long in the nine years since.

I have been blessed with four fresh babies covered in what I now know is vernix and I have had that same moment of peace and strength with each of them. I have sniffed their new skin and inhaled their scent so it could stay etched in my own memory.

I never understood the feeling of pain that comes with severe engorgement or the frustration of breastfeeding taking too long to start. All of that ended when I had Laurelyn. My sweet Laurelyn. My baby born without institutional beds or hospital beds. My baby born into my own arms with a midwife watching supportively. My baby that gave me the birth I had always dreamed of.

I labored with Laurelyn in a warm tub of water while the cool breeze through the window brought respite from the heat of contractions. The water made it possible to enjoy the experience and focus on my body, the muscles and the miracle happening inside me instead of focusing on pain. I silently spoke to my little girl, encouraging her to come to me. I concentrated on relaxing my body and reassuring my spirit that I could do this. I could bring this baby out of my body and into my arms.

Once again I had a fast labor, one hour long, and I was grateful to my midwife for helping me prepare once more to give birth. I felt my body contract and my muscles pushing. My midwife encouraged me to feel for her head and I will never forget that moment. Realizing that my baby was coming not because I was told or because the monitor said so but because I could feel her hair swim between my fingers. I could outline her ears and feel the smoothness of her skin. She was perfect before I even saw her. I will always be in awe at what a woman’s body can do. What my body can do.

What my body will never do again.

I caught Laurelyn in my next contraction and pulled her against me to stay warm. She was quiet and alert. There was no need to hurry or move or disengage from being entwined in the water. Later we would get out of the water. Eventually I birthed my placenta and ended in the hospital again but this time to have a D&C to remove a lodged piece of placenta.

I don’t remember nursing Laurelyn before we left in an ambulance to the hospital but I remember the next morning feeling heavy with milk. My breasts were too full to fit in her tiny mouth and too painful to feel any relief from the tiny amount she was drinking. I was engorged and beyond uncomfortable. My nipples were raw from the strain and my back ached from the weight. The worst though was knowing that the solution was to nurse but not being able to accomplish nursing because I was drowning my baby in a sea of milk. My husband ran out to buy a breast pump and I cried in the shower and prayed that eventually my body would balance and everything would stop hurting. I couldn’t focus on anything but my breasts and the milk that was supposedly the miracle of life, which felt like it was killing me at that moment.

I tried to remember everything I learned from the nurses when I had my first baby.

Chest to chest, nose to breast.

I tried to coax my newborn to open her mouth wide enough to latch properly. I spent hours training Laurelyn and myself to remember proper latching, to remember to keep her tiny tongue underneath my nipple and to nurse as often as possible to relieve the pressure from my milk coming in.

It took a couple days, several hot showers, some hand expressing and time but eventually we got into a routine of nursing when she was hungry or tired. I nursed her when I wanted snuggle time and I nursed her while I laid on my side and slept during those first sleep deprived months.

When Laurelyn was four months old we took her to a wedding in France. She got to tag along because she was too young to be left behind. I discovered that I love breastfeeding in Europe. I nursed on the plane to Paris, at a restaurant in Mont de Marsan, and in a baby’s lounge at a wedding. The baby’s lounge came complete with play pens, lounge beds for the mothers, french lullabies and rocking chairs. I watched the bride pull down the top of her sleeveless wedding dress so she could nurse her four month old while the wedding guests continued to take pictures with the tiny baby snuggled into her mother’s wedding dress.

I have seen women nurse in public back home but this was without an attempt to cover up and with no thought to being modest. As far as anyone else was concerned the baby’s need for nourishment came before modesty. This was nothing more than a mother caring for her baby.

My baby is now fourteen months old and I am still nursing her several times a day and before bed. I can’t tell you how often I nurse because I still nurse her when she wants to. I am not concerned with scheduling her feedings or monitoring how often she nurses. Laurelyn is walking now, says a few words and climbs on everything. She loves to eat anything we eat and can out eat most of us on her good days but she still crawls into my lap and snuggles into my belly which is this fourteen month old’s way of asking to nurse.

I’m starting to get questions from friends about how long I plan on breastfeeding. In fact I had one friend, a nurse, urge me to stop because I am being drained of all my calcium which is why it’s not healthy to nurse for too long.

I breastfed my first three kids until they were 12 months and I’ve already passed that deadline. I can now stop breastfeeding and feel like I can join the ranks of breastfeeding mothers everywhere. I’m not in any rush to stop nursing right now. She’s still a baby! She’s still mastering the art of walking without needing her arms in the air for balance. She’s still crying instead of telling me what she wants because she can’t speak. She’s still needing her mom to snuggle and nurse her before bed.

She’s still needing me.

I’ll stop breastfeeding her eventually and I’m sure she’ll let me know when that time comes. Until then I am going to hold her close and enjoy ever last second I have with her before she decides she doesn’t need to nurse any more.

If you want to see more of Hathor the Cow Goddess and her hilarious holistic and politically pleasing comics check her out here.

There have been several instances here in Calgary where women have been asked to leave the pool area or leave the facility all together because they were breastfeeding. I’m thinking of the logistics and I know that my three older kids would pitch a FIT if I made them leave the pool to stand in a cold dressing room while I nurse my baby. People can be so ridiculous about the whole nursing thing so I thought I’d show my support by showing up and supporting the nurse-in which is scheduled for Sunday, April 5th at 10:00 am at the Killarney Pool. This is during family swim time so bring the whole family and support those of us who know that when baby is hungry it’s time to feed baby, no matter where you are.

Chuck and I have had friends who have been asked to stop nursing at public pools and on an airplane and I am happy to show my support.

Update: The nurse-in was canceled after the staff member apologized, the pool put up a breastfeeding support sticker and trained their staff on the laws allowing breastfeeding in public.

If you remember, I announced the Indigo Festival a couple weeks ago and that’s where I went on Saturday. I was excited to go and support people and businesses that believe in some of the same things that I do. I was going to encourage more events that celebrated holistic pregnancy and parenting. I’m still learning about a lot of aspects related to holistic parenting but I’m loving it.

The kids had a great time playing in the Kids Area while I walked around and browsed through natural house care product catalogs or Discovery Toys catalogs or Playsilks catalogs. I could go on and on about everything I learned and saw and coveted but that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to tell you where I’ve been.

When I left the festival I couldn’t see because everything was white. Blowing snow was blinding everything and everyone. Cars were skidding into ditches and several were rolling and landing upside down. Chuck’s cousin, Sherry Ann, is also a Crunchy Granola and was at the festival showing moms how to wear their babies and how to use the myriad of slings out there. She lives not far from Red Deer so I followed her tail lights, white knuckling the steering wheel all the way. The weather stayed bad for less than 24 hours but in that time the roads were dumped with enough snow to keep me at Sherry Ann’s until Monday afternoon.

I’m finally at home and getting back into our school time routine. The kids and I are going to go snuggle in bed and read books. Right now we’re reading about the Trojan War and Odysseus’s adventures.

While I’m reading in bed I thought I’d give away a $25 gift certificate for Momzelle Breastfeeding Apparel. Momzelle has some beautiful tops that make it easy to breastfeed without showing off all your goods at the same time. All of Momzelle’s clothing is organic and made in Canada. What I want you to do is go to Momzelle’s website and tell me which top is your favorite and then come back here and let me know. I will choose the winner randomly on Friday at 8:00 pm so get your comments in so you can get this gift certificate. I promise you, it will make breastfeeding just that much easier.

Happy shopping!

I’m putting up the link to the festival site which can give you more information but the gist of it is this. It’s a Natural Health Fair geared towards expecting women and young families with speakers, hands-on demonstrations, a silent auction and a load of kids games and activities.

The best parts to me are the free admission, the Wii Console and Wii Fit door prize and the Breastaurant. Never heard of a Breastaurant? Well, Joelle has put together a semi-private area with a comfy chair, a change table, etc. for breastfeeding moms to go and take care of their wee ones.

The money made from the silent auction is being donated to the La Leche Leauge Canada and the RCMP Kids Programs in the Red Deer area.

Here are the details of the Indigo Festival.

Saturday, March 7, 2009
12:00-5:00 PM
Collicutt Centre Field House
Red Deer, Alberta

If you’ve got something to donate to the silent auction or would be willing to donate some time to the setting up or tearing down of the festival please go to the website and click on Contact Us.